I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
