Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
