I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
