Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
