mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
