all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
