I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
