i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
