hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
