You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
