I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
