I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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