i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
People with herpes should wear stickers.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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