i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
