i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
