I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
