I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
