The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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