I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
