I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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