my sisters under your porch take her home
i will never coherently bang her
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
