There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
