So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
