OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
