I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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