There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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