just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
