Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
