I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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