So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
