Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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