Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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