My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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