I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He passed out mid-signature
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
