My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
