new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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