I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Im part way to drunk.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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