I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Im part way to drunk.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize