I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
