first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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