Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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