I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
