I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
