I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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