I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
