I need help removing her.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
that's an acceptable place to lick
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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