so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
