It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
