Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
