Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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