I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
