So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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