I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
