chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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